Trip Report: #02

November 14, 2025

Metadata

• Date: 14.10.2025
• Dosage: 110ug
• Duration:
  • Intake: 15:00
  • Peak: 18:00
  • Offset: 21:00

Special

• Couldn’t sleep until 06:00; I was kind of scared to go to bed until it was light outside.
• The next day I was extremely tired; only after two days were the effects completely gone.
• Again: not much visual effect.
• The first half of the trip was good, then it turned bad.
  • For the whole trip my stomach felt weird, like I had eaten something wrong (even though I did not, it was purely mental).
  • During the later half of the trip I felt like I hadn’t eaten in ages; I had zero energy, I wanted to sink in my bed.
  • Whenever I went to the toilet and looked down at myself, I felt like I was getting “spaghettified.” My arms and legs felt unnaturally thin, my whole body too. But this wasn’t a visual hallucination, more of a conceptual feeling.
  • I played a game of Deadlock to distract myself, but this made the trip feel worse. Because I felt so low-energy and sluggish, I couldn’t move properly or aim, which increased my perception of how badly the trip was going.
  • The phenomenology was just bad. I just felt horrible. If I needed to describe how it felt, it felt bad intrinsically, the raw phenomenology itself was bad.
  • I got out of the bad trip at the end by watching the anime City: The Animation. Very good anime.

Insights

• We are all made imperfect, like our body doesn’t perfectly fit our spirit/soul/consciousness. It’s like wearing a sock that doesn’t fit perfectly: an annoying sense that something is off, something doesn’t quite match. It feels like there is something out there to remedy this, a missing piece; we are all grasping for something, for this missing piece to make us whole, so that this constant inner itch disappears.
• Unstructured and unordered music, more precisely Dionysian music (e.g., the band awakebutstillinbed) as opposed to Apollonian music , expresses this grasping, but not in the sense of reaching something perfect. There is no final release. Instead, the catharsis comes from the screaming itself, like someone drowning and screaming for help while knowing no one will come. The screaming becomes a valve for release. That is what Dionysian art is about. A short period of Self-Annihilation.
• In Stoicism and Buddhism there is the idea that much of our suffering is self-inflicted, the physical sensation of pain cannot be avoided, but judging it as “bad” and lamenting it instead of accepting it makes the experience far worse, like the second arrow. But this is easier said than done. When we actually experience suffering, not abstractly, but in its phenomenology, its qualia, its intrinsic quality; avoiding the second arrow feels Herculean, like climbing Mount Everest. It feels impossible.
• There is a difference between emotional truth and intellectual truth. Intellectually you might know, to quote the song bloodline by awakebutstillinbed: “Everything you love / will be taken away from you / … one day.” But this is not the same as emotionally realizing it. The hope is that if one realizes a truth intellectually, the heart will eventually follow, but is this true? I don’t know.
• This trip, feeling the intrinsic badness of the experience (i.e., it didn’t feel bad because of reason X or Y; it was simply bad in itself), made me realize that although intellectually I might agree with the Stoic and Buddhist teachings, my heart is still far from them.
• In this moment, where everything was in flux and constantly changing, I understood the appeal of God, to have a solid foundation that nothing can move. Instead of a chain of reasoning floating in the air. There was a certain tiredness of thinking, a desire to give up and rest on the Abgrund. At the same time, I wondered whether it was possible to build a stable foundation within a dynamic system, like the three stars in The Three-Body Problem: a configuration where they become stable.

Report